Fucking Kids Nowadays

O M G what a day it was.

When we decided to buy a house in Spelunca, I was expecting things would not be easy.

What I didn’t expect was to stumble into such an idiotic situation that would lead into a rabbithole of social issues, self-reflection, and generational conflict.

Yesterday Mei-Lin and I finally went to the public notary to legalize our signatures on the power of attorney letter. We have been to that notary before, for godknowswhatotherdocument. It’s in very close walking distance to our house, and has good opening hours even. I remember having to deal with an old lady who could not speak anything else but Swiss German last time, but that was OK.

This is what happened this time.

We arrive there around 11:00, I see the old lady as last time, but also another human being, which from now on I will call the DBZ (Dumb Blonde Zoomer). She’s a young, too young girl, maybe 18-19 years old, long blond hair, cute and innocent face. I originally thought she was the daughter or granddaughter of the old lady or some other employee and she was parked there because the school was closed, but no, she is probably some intern. The old lady asks what we need, and after hearing our request she nods, passes over the task to the DBZ, and goes back to her desk, while the DBZ is left alone dealing with us. Because it’s a simple task, or so it should be.

The girl is visibly nervous and shy. Mei-Lin and I smile, poor girl, maybe this is even her first day, we have to be nice with her. “Do you speak English, or Italian?” I ask. “Yes, I speak English.”. Good girl! Not even too bad! Maybe she’s actually smart!

There’s something odd in her behavior, like she’s not used to interact with people face-to-face, but (and I feel old writing this) it’s a pattern I have seen in other kids her age. It must be the smartphones, or COVID, or the microplastics, dunno, but I do really get this “alien” vibe on the rare times I speak with youngsters nowadays. Whatever, let’s proceed with the legalization.

The first thing the DBZ has to do is record our data on a paper ledger. Yes, they have this old-style book where they record name and ID data (type of ID, nationality, birthdate, etc.) of the applicants, date and approximate time of the entry, and service requested. The DBZ takes our passports and starts writing, starting with mine. She still looks very nervous, embarrassed almost, does not look up, only focused on the passport, with a blank expression on her face and moving the pen v e r y s l o w l y.

I notice she has opened my passport NOT on the first page, but in the middle, where I have an old entry visa from Japan… And she is copying data from there.

“Ehm, no, hold on…” I try to be calm and not scare the poor thing. Mistakes happen. “That one is just a Japan visa…”.

The DBZ quickly glances at me and nods with a forced smile. “Hm-hm”. She keeps copying from the Japanese visa, ignoring what I just said.

What the very f… OK, so the DBZ clearly does not know what a visa is.

“Ehm… no, wait, like this…” I say, taking gently my passport from her, opening it on the first page, and showing her the correct page. “Here, you see?” pointing down.

The DBZ smiles embarrassed. “Ah… Oh… Sorry.” and keeps writing. Mei-Lin is next to me, amused. Maybe we were wrong about the DBZ being smart after all.

After finishing with mine, the DBZ takes Mei-Lin’s passport and opens it in the middle, again.

OMG AYFKM. The DBZ clearly does not know what a passport looks like. “No, no, wait.” I say, taking the passport and opening it in front of her on the right page. “Here, see?”.

She giggles. “Oh… OK, thanks… sorry…”. JESUS CHRIST. Mei-Lin’s amusement starts being replaced by real concern.

The DBZ starts copying Mei-Lin’s passport data on the ledger. She is S L O W. I fiddle with my phone, but suddenly Mei-Lin GRASPS MY HAND IN SHOCK while pointing silently at what the DBZ is writing. Nationality of Mei-Lin: Japan.

WHAT THE UNBELIEVABLE CANDID CAMERA LEVEL ONLY AMOUNT OF FUCK IS THIS.

Where did she even read JAPAN on Mei-Lin’s passport, which was issued way after she left Japan??? There is NO MENTION of Japan on Mei-Lin’s passport! Probably the DBZ’s HAMSTER MIND is still confused by what happened a minute ago with my passport, and is unable to process more than ONE FOREIGN COUNTRY per hour.

Mei-Lin and I have a silent agreement that I should be the one talking to bureaucrats by default when we are together. It’s not that she doesn’t know how to deal with this by herself, but we notice that people tend to get confused if they have to interact with both of us at the same time, and anyway I have more experience dealing with Swiss bureaucracy.

“Ehm, no, look…” I try to keep nice but I’m getting nervous. “It’s not Japan, it’s Taiwan. T-A-I-W-A-N, you see? Maybe you want to write it as Chinesische Taipei, which is the officially recognized name for…”. The DBZ’eyes are staring at me and at the cosmic void. “Uhm, OK, nevermind, just write Taiwan. Not Japan. Taiwan.”.

The DBZ looks at the passport, then smiles at me, then looks at the passport again. “Ah…” she whispers, “One moment please.”.

She is taking her time to READ A SINGLE PAGE OF A PASSPORT. I start thinking that this is the longest paper-printed text she has ever read in her life.

She strikes a line with her pen on “Japan” and she replaces it with…

“China”.

Here it begins.

Mei-Lin almost JUMPS at her “NO, IT’S NOT CHINA, IT’S TAIWAN” as I try to restrain her. I look at the DBZ and try to mask my disbelief. “No, look, it’s not China, it’s a different country. It’s Taiwan. See the front page of the passport, here? You understand?”. The DBZ looks confused. “Ah… but… because… here…” and she points at the first page of the passport, where it’s written REPUBLIC OF CHINA.

Oh boy, this is NOT going to be fun.

I take a deep breath and I quickly start evaluating what to do. The DBZ is clearly unable to process complex concepts, where by “complex” I mean “cannot be expressed by a single emoji”. But Mei-Lin is getting very angry and I have to do something.

“OK, listen…” and feel free to tell me that I was mansplaining, I don’t care at this point. “Republic of China is another name for Taiwan… but it’s different from China, understand? There is a difference between Republic of China and People’s Republic of China, which is what you usually call China. In practice they are two different countries, but they have… you know… a difficult political situation. This is why I told you that the official name in Switzerland is Chinesische Taipei…”.

The DBZ is now looking at me with a slight grimace full of fear and confusion. “Ehm… Taipei?”. I realize I just mentioned Taipei, a new, alien word, that she obviously does not know the meaning of. I am at loss.

“Yes… Taipei is the… capital of Taiwan… Maybe you can write Taiwan R.O.C. instead, like in Italy… Or… listen, why don’t you ask some colleagues?“. Sorry, I lost it.

The girl stares at us in panic like “I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT”. She takes a step back. “Uhm… OK… one moment please…” and she walks away.

Mei-Lin and I look at each other in disbelief. While we wait, we joke that she is probably reading about Taiwan on Wikipedia. That is, in the best case scenario. Most likely she’s on Instagram posting “OMG I MEET CRAZY PPL AT WORK LMAO”.

After a LONG WAIT she comes back with her usual grimace.

“Sorry but… it’s not on the system…”.

A Y F K M

WHAT DOES IT EVEN MEAN “IT’S NOT ON THE SYSTEM”?

I am losing my patience and am about to yell at her. “What is not on the system?”. She seems apologetic. “Taiwan”.

OMFG CAN YOU DISAPPEAR PLEASE.

“OF COURSE you do not find it as Taiwan. That’s what we have been telling you all along. Try with Chinesische Taipei, or Republic of China.”.

“No but… is not there…”.

I DON’T BELIEVE YOU.

ALL Federal and cantonal systems have the SAME list of countries, together with their officially designated Swiss names. It’s ALWAYS the same, so EITHER you have just found a million dollar bug, or CHINESISCHE TAIPEI IS FUCKING THERE BUT YOU ONLY READ COMIC SANS.

“PLEASE can you check again? Do you want me to COME WITH YOU at the computer to assist you? Here, take this:”. I take a flyer from a pile which is sitting on the desk where we are at, and with the pen I write on it CHINESISCHE TAIPEI and TAIWAN REPUBLIC OF CHINA. I hand over the flyer to the DBZ and say “Look for one of these”.

The DBZ slowly backs away holding the flyer and staring at me with her fucking grimace as if she’s staring at a dangerous schizo. She comes back after some time. Too short for checking carefully, she probably just went to read some Facebook post. “Sorry… I cannot find it… there is only China…”.

LIAR.

“Look, it’s just NOT POSSIBLE. Search for Chinesische Demokratikrepublik then. Anything not China or Volksrepublik. PLEASE…”.

Mei-Lin is really concerned now. “Sorry but this is important, it happened to us before, it’s a common misunderstanding, but surely you had other people from Taiwan with the same situation, I mean, I know there are some of them living around here… The crucial thing is that IT’S NOT CHINA, this is important otherwise we’re going to have troubles.”.

I have an idea. “OK… look, why don’t you just write Republic of China as it’s written in the passport instead of just China?”.

The DBZ has still this grimace like “OMG I AM DEALING WITH CRAZIES HERE” but she lowers the head and she is about to write something on the ledger. Then she stops. Thinking. Thinking slowly. V e r y s l o w l y. That’s it, we broke her mind.

Finally she SLOWLY writes “Republic of” above “China” on the ledger. I breathe from relief, and Mei-Lin is still in killing mode but she is now calming down. We give her our printed document and we sign it in front of her. The DBZ smiles awkwardly “OK… now please wait…” and disappears into another office.

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST WHAT A HUMAN CASE.

After a LONG wait she comes back, all happy and smiling, with our document. The 4 pages of the power of attorney letter have been bundled together with a seal and a ribbon, and on the rear of the last page it has been printed and stamped the legalization of the document, together with the signature of the notary.

Nationality of Mei-Lin: China.

THIS IS NOT OK.

WHAT THE JESUS IS CRYING BY HOW MUCH IT HURTS FUCK.

WORST BLACK MIRROR EPISODE EVER.

MEI-LIN IS HYPERVENTILATING.

I AM ABOUT TO PUNCH THE B***H IN THE FACE.

MEI-LIN AND I SCREAM TOGETHER.

THIS IS NOT OK.

Our reaction is not happy. Mei-Lin is still trying to let the DBZ understand her mistake, but I am a step beyond that: the grim realization that we have just WASTED THE MORNING hits me like a hammer: they have put the legalization already, so even if we don’t pay, we would still have to go back home to print another copy and have it corrected. It’s almost 11:40 by now so no chance to make it in time before their noon break.

The thing that TRIGGERS me the most is that clearly the DBZ IGNORED everything we said, and she tried to smuggle the false information on us in the hope we didn’t realize the mistake. I even have the suspicion that, after she left, she stroke away the “REPUBLIC OF” above “CHINA” on the ledger before handing it over to her superior, the notary, in the other office.

We protest and explain that the document is useless to us this way, while the DBZ is debating Galileo’s Major Systems in her head. The noise summons the old lady from her desk, who decides to take the DBZ away and asks us to wait a minute.

After a couple of minutes the DBZ is back, escorted by a middle-aged tall woman who, I think, is the notary herself. She walks fast and has an air of authority, but she is apparently taken aback when she sees our WAR FACES and sets for a calmer tone. “I am sorry,” she says, “We cannot write Taiwan as nationality because it’s not legally recognized by the Swiss Federation with that name… The best we can do is to write Chinesische Taipei.“.

MEI-LIN AND I SCREAM AGAIN.

A Y F K M

THIS IS OK.

WHAT THE REAL FUCK.

She seems surprised by our reaction. “Oh… OK, then I think we have found a solution then! You don’t need to print a new document: We will unbundle the seal, then I will make a copy of the last page with a blank sheet of paper covering your signatures, then you will sign it again, and then we will rebundle it together and re-legalize it with the correct nationality.”.

I DON’T EVEN.

CANNOT PROCESS WHAT JUST HAPPENED.

THE FUCKING STUPID BLONDE ZOOMER IS STANDING THERE WITH HER DEMENTED SMILE AS IF NOTHING HAPPENED.

The notary is back after a couple of minutes with the corrected document. The DBZ follows her again.

I’m sorry, I know I shouldn’t be mean BUT THIS BEHAVIOR IS UNACCEPTABLE and I want the DBZ to take responsibility for it.

I address the DBZ in front of her boss. “So… Chinesische Taipei WAS on the system after all, wasn’t it?”. Both she and the notary look at me confused.

I insist, and I ask the DBZ: “Where is the paper I gave you, can you show me?”.

She smiles and puts on a confused, interrogative face, “Hm?”.

I PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE BITCH, I SWEAR TO GOD I PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE.

“THE SHEET OF PAPER WHERE I WROTE CHINESISCHE TAIPEI FOR YOU SINCE THE BEGINNING.”

Then the notary interrupts with a resigned “Ahhh, because that’s what you told her since the beginning?”.

YES.

“I see… OK, well, glad things ended up well. Thanks for your patience.” and she leaves.

I have the feeling she KNOWS how fucking stupid the girl is, and I HOPE the DBZ will eventually get a job at a McDonald. Not out of revenge, but because she should really be put in a position where she can do as little harm as possible to society, and a NOTARY OFFICE IS NOT SUCH A PLACE.

20 CHF per signatures, and before we leave I think I’ve heard the DBZ whispering a “sorry”.

JESUS.

Old man’s rant: what the hell is wrong with these kids? I cannot generalize, I am sure they are not ALL like this. But, I must say, both Mei-Lin and I have quite a few data points on this cohort. There is a clear trend here, and not a good one.

We have to make sure to keep Penelope and Serse far away from social media as much as possible.